Mount Baker: Good Night, and Good Luck

ASSOCIATED PRESS -            The city of Mount Baker is in a state of disbelief following the loss of their beloved franchise, the Soup Can. This unexpected turn of events came following the sale of the team in mid-July to an ownership group in Oklahoma City. Former owner, and current head coach, Chris Bell stated in a press conference, “The reason we're at this table is we arrived at a place with a buyer who really wants to stay (in Mount Baker).”

            But questions began to rise when new owner, Shay Rennet, took the microphone and told the press, “This is true. We really want to stay. And by stay I mean that you can…” At this point Shay Rennet stops speaking and mimes inserting an abnormally large popsicle into his mouth. The surprisingly well-mimed action of repeatedly moving the popsicle in and out of his mouth went on for about 12 minutes.

Rennet concluded by saying, “All I can say is, the PBR will be in Oklahoma City next season, playing their games.”

In the days and weeks to follow, heartbreak began to grow in Mount Baker as the Soup were moved from the serene Northwest setting to the wasteland of humanity known as Oklahoma City.

According to one fan, “It makes sense now why the team sucked so badly last year. Right? They were just trying to lose fan interest.”

“Exactly what are we supposed to cheer for now? Our baseball team?! The Mount Baker Seamen, are awful! And our soccer team, the Mount Baker Loud n’ Obnoxious… I suppose I can go to a game and use the opportunity to get wasted in a public space… but I don’t know what the f### is going on!”

Despite the loss, there was a glimmer of hope for the future when a court ruled that the team name, colors, and history would remain in Mount Baker, opening the door to a possible return. However, this is met with caution. A delusional, not fully informed, Northwest writer and sometimes sports fan depending on how the local teams are doing had this to say,

“The thing is, if we get a team, it's going to be somebody else's team. It's not going to be a new franchise. I know who's in trouble- Buzzcock, Pretty Boys, K-911s, and Riggins. To get a team, I'm going to have to break the hearts of people just like me, who will then have to go in front of cameras and talk about their pain like this. And that's the only way we're going to get a team.”

With that, we take a look at the madness of GM/Coach Bell over the years and the history of the Mount Baker Soup Can.

2008 – GM/Coach Bell drafts what he calls a “Boeing style aerial assault” led by Brett Favre, Braylon Edwards, and Randy Moss. This “aerial assault” was grounded in the first round of the playoffs by the eventual PBR runner-up, Ronaldo and the Loaf (now the R Fluffernutter).

2009 – Bell re-builds the squad to resemble something more fantasy appropriate. New acquisitions MJD, Manning, Boldin, Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson, and Gonzalez lead the Soup Can to the league’s regular season championship before losing in the PBR Bowl to the Felons.

2010 – Following a slow start, Bell states that he “wants to establish a frontier style trading post.” The first two trades in team history involved shipping Gonzalez, Johnson, and 14 beaver pelts to the K-911s for Braylon Edwards and two rifles. A week later he would trade Benjarvus Green-Ellis, Anquan Boldin, and sugar rations to the Counselor for Marshawn Lynch and an old canoe. Both trades were critically panned, the team continued to struggle, and Coach Bell would fire himself before the season ended. However, the Mount Baker Trading Post continues to thrive.

2011 – In early 2011, the coaching search would reveal that no one wants to work in Mount Baker. This would lead to the eventual re-hire of Coach Bell and the start of what he called the “Yes We Can” rebuild. After acquiring Larry Fitzgerald, Julio Jones, and AJ Green, Bell’s high-flying offense returned to the glory years. They won the division, only to lose to eventual the PBR champ, R Fluffernutter, in the second round.

2012 – With the acquisition of LeSean McCoy, the Soup Can were early favorites to “maybe be perform adequately.” Following injuries to both McCoy and MJD, they would go on to have one of the worst seasons in franchise history.

2013 – Bell sells the Mount Baker Soup Can to an Oklahoma City based ownership group. Courts rule that the team name, colors, history, Trading Post, and Women’s PBR League Team would remain in Mount Baker.