Counselor Wins Battle of the Winless

Written By: Bucky Jacobsen

Ballard, WA- It was like a 100m sprint...if these two teams were paraplegics with no use of a wheelchair. They had no chance to win, unless they faced each other.

In a battle to determine who was more excited to stay in the cellar, both fans watched intently as The Counselor got out to an early lead. The Kittens tried to claw their way back into the game, but The Counselor tossed those Kittens high in the air...and this time the kittens couldn't land on their feet. In the end, the scoreboard read The Counselor 140, Ballard 97.5.

There was a lot of uncertainty surrounding The Counselor this week. Coach Richard Council had benched his veteran QB (and the Godfather of his children) Brett Favre, after Favre proved ineffective in the first two weeks by putting up a total of 9 pts in the first two games. Council still named Favre the starter on Monday, only to go with Mark Sanchez as his starter Tuesday, Erik Kramer on Wednesday, Gino Torretta on Thursday, Andre Ware on Friday, Rick Mirer on Saturday, and finally Michael Vick on Sunday. Vick did not "kill the coaches puppy", instead he put up 32 points and connected with Counselor WR Jeremy Maclin for 83 yards and 2 touchdowns (20 points).

"Yeah we f---ed them up," Coach Council yelled, "What, I can't say f--k? F--k is perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today. Out of all of the English words which begin with the letter F, F--K is the only word referred to as the "F" word, it's the one magical word. F--K falls into many grammatical categories. As a transitive verb, for instance. 'Today, The Counselor F----ed The Ballard Kittens'. As an intransitive verb, 'Richard Council (points at himself) F--KS (pelvic thrust)'. It's meaning's not always sexual; it can be used as an adjective, such as 'Mike Vick's doing all the F--K-ing work'. As part of an adverb, 'The Ballard Kittens suck too F--K-ing much.' As an adverb enhancing an adjective, 'Winning is F--K-ing beautiful.' As a noun, I don't give a F--K'. As part of a word, 'Does winning feel good? Abso-F--KING-lutely!' or 'How did it feel to violate the Kittens? In-F--KING-credible!" And, you can use it as almost every word in the sentence, "The Kittens? FUCK the FUCK-ing FUCK-ers. Shit, I actually said it that time."

The Kittens had another nice game from QB Eli Manning (11 points) and RB Michael Turner (18 points), but coach Gaul still insisted on playing the very injured, in fact ruled out for the season, Ryan Grant. Grant, unsurprisingly, scored no points, on no carries, with no catches. The Kittens roar was but a meow, as they will continue to search for their first win in 2010.

The Kittens (0-3) will search for that win at home against the Goodview Pretty Boys (1-2) at home. The Counselor (1-2) will look to extend their winning streak on the road when they face the Fluffernutter (3-0).