OH THANK DOG!

Written By: David Duchovny, Guest Writer

Woodinville, WA- After two brutal seasons of failure for the Karrot Killerz, it was time for a change in the front office. The share holders grew restless with Rupert T. Pennysworth, and team Owner/President Ashley FitzSimmons-Olsen could not take it any more.

"The rabbit just was not getting the job done, and once he started trading players for vegetables we knew the team needed to go in a different direction. As a General Manager you need to draft players that will stay healthy for more than five weeks per season. End of Story."
"But you're not really his WIFE, are you?  I mean you are so damn good lookin---I mean wonderful.  Really, him?" said the moderator of the press conference.


After last season, where the Killerz missed a winning record for the first time in franchise history, things just spiraled out of control for Pennysworth. His subsequent arrest for driving under the influence of V-8 on the eve of the Slooper Bowl, was only the beginning. Followed by a league suspension for his comments in regards to the Erin Andrews tape, in which he referred to her as his "trailer trash princess". After that he was the subject of an investigation involving his illegal dealings with local hospitals. Many reports implicated Pennysworth as a major player in keeping hospital's full, in exchange he would receive larger sponsorships from local medical supply distributors. Eventually the rabbit was cleared of all charges, but the damage to his reputation had already been done.


Enter Walter Mickey McFinnigan FitzSimmons Olsen, a true student of the game with a knack for smelling out talent. This handsome wunderkind grew up in Eastern Washington as the youngest of 3 brothers. After a brief stint as a head coach at Spokane High School, he realized that coaching was not the path for him. He then found himself unemployed and homeless. After countless weeks of hitchhiking, he landed in Seattle living with the Olsen family. He was quickly employed as a talent scout by his 2nd mother, Karrot Killerz head coach Lou Olsen.


In his first week as GM of the newly re-modeled K-911's, he has already upgraded his secondary and receiving core via Darrelle Revis and Mike Williams. Not to mention getting a 3 game losing streak off of his franchises back by destroying the Eddie Royale's in week 1. His first round draft choice this year seems to be paying major dividends right away, in Arian Foster. In the off season he made some controversial decisions regarding the cutting of players. Primarily, that of fan favorite Mike Sims-Walker.


"It's hard to be upset about it. That dog is just so polite and handsome, that I have nothing bad to say about him." Said Walker, " I will move on from this, and hopefully never have to play for a rabbit again."


The future is bright for this young GM, and the people of Woodinville are wondering if this could be the start of a Dynasty. As for this reporter, it is hard to say. While the team has improved, they still have some major problems to address. Yet, there is no doubt that things are already looking better, need proof? Take a look at their IR roster slots, and tell me that is not a step in the right direction. But if they want to be off leash with the big dogs of the division, they are going to need a few more chew toys.